The Cold Penguin

expanding the box

Yes, Life goes on

on January 22, 2014

These past few days I’ve been in a bit of a slump.  I’ve been tired, a bit irritable and not at all excited about my day-to-day (and even future) life.  I hate that I feel this way and try to talk myself out of the slump.  But it seems to return every morning.

I’ve talked about how I have a love/hate relationship with routine before.  And that is true.  Right now I’m on a big hate swing with routine.  Personified by a short sentence I said to my husband the other morning: “I already did this day yesterday, do I have to do it again?”  That really sums up how I feel lately.

And the hatred and slump has gone so far as to dampen my mood when things are not routine.  Last night my husband and I went to a lovely dinner at a fancy restaurant.  This is very out of character for us, but they were running a special so we decided to go.  It was a lovely dinner, despite a few hiccups (they forgot to seat us – really?  how does that happen?), the atmosphere was nice and upbeat and the food was tasty.  Really should have been a fabulous evening out.

But the whole time I was people-watching (one of my favorite hobbies) and finding myself getting a little jealous of everyone I saw.  The cool couple sitting at the bar clearly enthralled with each other, the group of friends having a blast laughing and joking, the family of four having a nice dinner enjoying each others company.  I was jealous of them all!  And why?

Why?  When I have a great guy, I’m dining at the same restaurant they are, and enjoying the ambiance and food.

Well, I can think of two reasons that probably accounted for my jealousy:

  1. My health still isn’t up to par.  I’m having discomfort probably 40% of the time during the day and 70% of the time at night.  Plus my energy is low.  This causing me lots of stress.  And since I’ve been dealing with this ailment since November, I’m wondering if I’m ever going to get better.  Doomsday mentality strikes its ugly head.  But I really am just sick of being sick and am so jealous of those with energy and who are seemingly pain-free!
  2. I’m bored during my day-to-day routine.  We know that.  But I see these people chatting away, having great stories to share and friends to tell them too, and I get jealous.  I don’t have much human interaction in my job.  Most days the only conversation I have is with my dog.  And what I do is so routine, you can’t make too much conversation with others about that.  So this boredom in essence causes more boredom.  I’m bored, have nothing exciting to tell anyone, don’t get to meet anyone, and that creates more boredom.  Vicious cycle.  So I was jealous of these other people’s lives that seemed to at least have some excitement and interest that occurs.

And really should I be jealous?  No.  But is it ok that I am?  Yes.  I give myself permission to feel what I feel.  But I can not wallow in it.  I must recognize the feeling, sit with it for a bit and figure out why I’m feeling it, and then accept it and possibly (hopefully) do something to help avoid this feeling in the future.

  1. I will get healthier.  I am taking proactive approaches through diet and supplements to help my body heal itself.  It may take longer than I like, but I will get healthy and I will be pain-free and energetic again.  And won’t I really appreciate it when that happens??  (I long for the day!)
  2. Most people have boring routines.  Find some ways to break up the boredom and interact with more people.  It sounds simple, though it is truly hard.  But if it is something that really bothers you, then you must face the difficulty, attempt to overcome your fear, and do something.  Baby steps are fine, as long as they are in the right direction!

It’s odd that I’m feeling this day, today, the last day of my 33rd year.  But that’s the thing, no matter how you feel and what you do or don’t do, life goes on.  So you shouldn’t waste too much time on the woulda-shoulda-coulda’s, but focus on what is good, happy and what you can do.

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost


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